Adam Moorad's writing has recently appeared or is forthcoming in Underground Voices, Thieves Jargon, Storyglossia, and Pear Noir. He lives in Brooklyn and works in publishing. Visit him here: http://adamadamadamadamadam.blogspot.com/

I Don't Want To Be In Captivity (July 20, 2009. Issue 7.)

1.

Dane works at the food court in the aquarium at the zoo. It’s been three summers in a row.  He hates the zoo.  He thinks, “But working at the zoo is better than prison.”

2.

There’s a queue of people at the counter. Dane is working by himself.   He stands behind the counter at a cash register and makes serious faces at the people in line.  He feels numb.  The people read the overhead menu.  Dane thinks, “They look anesthetized.”  Their eyes graze without focus. Their mouths hang wide open. Dane mimics their expressions.  He examines their fillings.  He imagines their psychology and makes a serious face. 

The people see Dane making faces and look away.  They blink and then look back to see if Dane is still making faces.  He is.  They look away again and pretend to talk to the people standing beside them.  Dane looks away and pretends nothing happened.  The thrill is gone. 

3.

Dane is in his apartment.  He wants to be a Marine Biologist, but doesn’t think if can find a job. He scratches his neck with his fingers. He smells his fingers and wonders if he should take a shower. He wants to swim with dolphins.  Fish and other marine mammals swim together inside his head as he daydreams on his sofa.

Dane thinks he want to write scientific studies that will be read my people in Congress who will enact new environmental law protecting marine life.  Dane wants to be alone. He thinks about applying for a job at SeaWorld.  He thinks, “I bet they could use another marine biologist.”  He wonders if their hiring process is political.  He thinks about SeaWorld and off the animals that are in captivity there.  He wonders if they are happy.  He thinks, “I wonder if they want to be in captivity.”  Dane feels tired and closes his eyes.

4.

Dane is at the register.  A family comes up to the counter: a father, a mother, a daughter, and a son.  The father looks tired, bald, and sexually deprived.  The mother looks meek, jumpy, and puritanical.  The children are sweaty and excited.

The father says to Dane, “What’s good?”

Dane tells the family, “You fancy leftover shark food, mate?”  He answers a question with another question and speaks in a falsetto Australian accent. Dane thinks, “Like Crocodile Dundee.”  He makes a serious face.  His eyes grow big and he shrugs.

The family doesn’t say anything.  They don’t understand what is going on.  Their faces are blank and scared and hey wonder if Dane is serious or pretending.  His expression is serious.  Dane is never serious. 

The parents remind Dane of his parents, only happier because they are in the same room.  The boy reminds Dane of his brother; the brother who went to a different school when they were growing up.  Dane hardly ever saw him.  He remembers it was a special school for the advanced where creativity was encouraged.  Dane remembers his brother spelled yellow “yellllow” because, “It’s even yellow-er they yellow.” Now his brother is grown-up and lives in Ohio.  He has a shaved head and a tattoo of a fist on his chest.  He got it in prison.  Dane never visited him.

5.

Beside the cash register is an aquarium.  In the aquarium is a fish. The fish swims in circle around the aquarium.  Dane watches it.  He thinks about his degree in Marine Biology.  He considers his current profession.  He tries to remember the particular genus of the fish.  He thinks, Carassius auratus – or something. The fish stops and looks at Dane.  Dane makes a serious face.  He wants to stick his hand into the water and squeeze the fish.  He wants to kill it or set it free.

He taps on the glass.  The fish swims away and hides behind a miniature plastic bush. 

The fish is bright orange.  It peeks back at Dane bashfully.

Dane smiles.

The fish opens its mouth.  It barks like a dog.  Its fins are flared and its mouth fierce.

Dane feels confused.

The fish barks again.

Dane looks around and wonders if anyone else can hear.

Dane barks back at the fish.  He barks like a fish.

The fish swims away.  The fish is in captivity.

Dane thinks, “I don’t want to want to be in captivity.”

6.

A couple orders lasagna.  Dane grows anxious and starts to laugh. He shows his teeth.  He thinks, “They are yellow - or yellllow.”  The couple laughs, but their laughter is tense and confused and sitcom-like.

Dane says, “Do you like lasagna?” He answers the original question with another question. 

There is silence.  The couple contemplates their affection lasagna and they look nervous.  Nervous people make Dane nervous.  He wonders if the couple thinks he’s funny.  He laughs again.  When Dane gets nervous, people think he’s charming.  Dane is big and strong.  People naturally want to think he’s charming instead of annoying or threatening.  They want to perceive something big and strong as an ally.  They think Darwin.  They think safety and security.  They subconsciously contemplate the woman’s ovaries and the potential well-being of her future offspring.  Continuity.  They are human.  Dane is embarrassed to be human.  He wants to annoy the people.  He wants to kill them or set them free.

7.

Dane is driving.  His brother is in the passenger seat.  Their parents no longer live together.  It begins to rain.

“What’s there to do in Ohio?” his brother says.  “I won’t have any friends.”

“Fuck,” Dane says.  “I think my wipers broken.”   He jams the lever back and forth.  His nostrils flare.  He says, “Fuck Fuck Fuck” – then realizes he’s been moving the turn indicator, not the wipers. He turns red. He turns on the wipers.

His brother is quiet.  The windshield begins to fog.

Dane says, “Why do you think that?” He answers a question with another question.

His brother says, “Who cares.  How far is Ohio?”

Dane says, “Three.  Four hours?  In a car.”

His brother doesn’t hear him.  He is digging through the glove compartment and popping his knuckles.  He is wearing an NFL jersey.  He looks aggravated.  Dane wonders what is happening.  He thinks about the psychology of knuckle popping.  He examines dead insects on the windshield.    He thinks about insect psychology.  He feels anxious.  He counts dead insects.  He loses count.

8.

The people look nervous standing in line.  Dane wonders if standing in line is making the people nervous.  The people speak vacantly amongst themselves.  Their voices echo off the walls of the food court.  Their voices sound like chimpanzees, undignified and perplexed.  Dane thinks about chimpanzees.  He pictures everyone in the food court with a banana in their hand.  He makes a serious chimpanzee-face.  He wants to jump on the counter, shake his head, and scream like a chimpanzee. 

9.

Dane cleans the food court.  He sweeps the floor covered in French-fries, dust, and hair.  Dane finds a piece of long hair.  Girl-hair.  Blonde, or “yellllow.”  He see a girl the food court.  She has a tanning bed glow.  Pimples on her thighs.  Highlighted hair.  Dane imagines what she smells like.  He thinks, “She smells pungent, like sex and stool bubble bath.”  She is with her boyfriend. Generic.  Ears like bananas.  Harmless.

She sees Dane staring at her.  She smile back.  The boyfriend is blinks his eyes.  Slow and cautious.  He put his mouth on the girl.  He sucks the girl’s face.   

He thinks about the psychology of human taste buds.  He thinks she likes him looking at her.  She sees Dane is big and strong.  She subconsciously considered her ovaries.  Safety.  Continuity.  The boyfriend sees Dane looking at his girlfriend.  He thinks Darwin.  Competition.  Dane wants to run over and beat his chest like a chimpanzee in the boyfriend’s face.

Dane thinks of old girlfriends.  He lines them up in his mind.  They all appear in a small room.  He cognitively attempts to keep them from speaking to one another.  They look numb. He picks one out.  The one he met in Australia.  They both studied marine biology.  He wonders where she is now.  He tries to remember the last time he saw her.  He tells himself it doesn’t matter. He feels tired. He tells himself to look forward.  He wants to evolve.  He wants evolution.

10.

The zoo is closed. Dane pours bleach on the floor and pretends to be a hockey player.  His mop is his hockey stick.  The French fries are his practice pucks.  He slaps the pucks across the food court.  The bleach burns his nostrils.  He spits and mops the spit then splashes more mop water on the floor.

Lion tamers come in talking about lions.  They’re wearing cowboy-like hats.  Dane thinks, Like Crocodile Dundee. Lion tamers talk about lion stool.  Dane thinks about sea lions.  He thinks, Genus Neophoca – or something. 

They are two men speaking among themselves.  Their voices echo off the wall of the food court.  They say they don’t like the look of one lion’s stool.  They say its stool isn’t consistent enough.  That it doesn’t make consistent stool consistent enough.  That being inconsistent is a health risk.  That they think they will have to inject electrolytes into the lion’s dick if things don’t become consistent enough soon. 

Dane wonders if they are serious or pretending.  He feels the mop in his hand – the dead, lacquered bone of a thing.  He pretends to drop the mop onto the floor accidentally but throws it purposely so that it will make a loud noise.  The noise echoes off the walls of the food court.  The lion tamers stop talking and look at Dane.  They glare.  Dane makes a serious face.    

Dane asks them if they’re lion tamers.  They say they’re biologists.  Dane tells them he’s a marine biologist.  They ask Dane if the food court is closed. They say they’re hungry. 

Dane answers with a question: “How about left over shark food?”  A reflex.

They look confused.  Dane pretends to be serious.  He gets nervous and laughs.  The biologists laugh and think Dane is charming.  They say they didn’t think there were any sharks at that zoo.  Dane doesn’t say anything.  He gets red.  He tells the lion tamers the food court is closed.  The lion tamers shrug and depart.  On the way out, they talk about stool. 

They are consistent. 

11.

Dan and a girlfriend are sitting in the front row.  Dane leans his head back completely to see the screen.  The she sees him and laughs.  Dane laughs but isn’t sure what’s funny.  He gets nervous.  The theater is dark and he is unable to comprehend what is happening inside his head.

She sleeps and stirs when loud noises pound from the speakers in the ceiling.  She pretends to listen to an exchange between characters on the screen – a man and woman arguing – then goes back to sleep, smiling and half-awake.  Dane looks away, pretends nothing happened and then looks back at the girl.  He traces the curves of her face with his eyes.  Her ears are ridged like bananas.  He wants to put his mouth on one of her ears and suck.

Dane starts to worry about things.  Little things.  Everything.  He is not sure what.  He is unable to concentrate on one thing long enough to worry about any single thing entirely.  This worries him.  He can’t concentrate.  He tries to concentrate on concentrating.

The movie ends.  They’re in a crowd of people.  The girl takes Dane’s hand.  She thinks about her ovaries.  She feels her bladder pressing against them.  She goes to the bathroom.  Dane imagines female psychology and waits beside the concessions counter where it is loud and smells like popcorn.  The popcorn is yellllow.  He counts the popping kernels and loses count.  The popcorn sounds like popping knuckles.  The aroma smells like feet and invades his nostrils.  His eyes begin to water.  He is human.  He is embarrassed to be human.  He wants to annoy everything human.  He wants to kill everything human or set it free.

The girl comes out of the bathroom a minute later.  She makes eye contact.  She looks meek, jumpy, and puritanical.  She is human. 

She says, “Ready?”  Her voice echoes off the walls.  She looks anesthetized.

Dane says, “You ready?”  He answers a question with another question.  Dane feels tired.

They walk away awkwardly, like chimpanzees. 

Dane gets nervous. He is wearing his bother’s NFL jersey.  He is wearing his own sandals. 

Dane makes a serious face.

Dane thinks, “This is captivity.”

12.

Its six o’clock in the evening. Dane is in the food court waiting for the zoo to close.  Everyone has left.  He can tell all the people are gone because the animals are laughing and playing. 

Elephants are clicking and clucking like birds.  The birds honk their beaks like elephants.  The elephants flap their ears like wings and try to fly away.  The chimpanzees squeak and squawk and swing from vines and ropes like humans.  They sound happy in their captivity.  This is their home.  They put their mouths on one another and suck.  Dane leaves the food court and walks around the zoo.  The wolves howl together.  Dane howls with them.  His howl echoes.  The wolves are hungry.  They are looking at the deer.  The deer are scraping their antlers against the trees.  They look fierce.  Lions kick and spit like camels.  The camels peck and caw like roosters. 

Everything is a competition.  Everything is a reflex. Nothing is as it seems.

13.

Dane is in his apartment.  He watches television for three hours.  Commercials run.  He is uninterested and unable pay attention.  It’s the middle of the night.

He drives into town looking for something to do.  He arrives at a shopping center.

Every business is closed apart from the Wal-Mart.  He goes inside.

He walks the aisles and looks for something to buy.  He’s in the grocery section.  There are rows of produce.  He touches pieces of fruit.  He brings a cantaloupe to his check.  He feels its roughness against his skin.  He squeezes it.  He goes to the seafood section.  No one is behind the counter. 

There is an aquarium with lobsters.  Big lobsters, a foot long.  Dane thinks, Homarus americanus – or something.

Dane looks at the lobsters.

The lobsters look at Dane.

The lobsters laugh in unison.  Loud and awkward. 

Dane laughs and stops himself.  He gets nervous.

The lobsters see Dane is big and strong and think he’s charming. 

The lobsters want to think he’s charming instead of annoying or threatening.  The lobsters subconsciously contemplate the female lobsters’ ovaries.  Safety and security.  They are not human.  Dane is embarrassed to be human.  He wants to be a lobster.  He wants someone to buy him a boil him and feed him like food to a shark.

He makes a serious face, “Like Crocodile Dundee.”  He looks around to see if anyone is around.  He is alone.  The thrill is gone.

He feels depressed.  He goes to his car and drives back to his apartment.  He turns on his computer and looks at the screen.  He thinks about sending his brother an email.  He can’t remember his address.  He doesn’t want to remember. 

14.

Dane sees the fish floating belly up in the aquarium beside the cash register.  Its body is blurry.  He feels envious of the fish.

People are talking.  Dane thinks he hears his brother’s voice.  It says something indecipherable but sounds serious.  Dane makes a serious face.  He can’t hear anything anymore.  He can’t feel his senses.  He looks at the fish.  He wonders about the psychology of death.  Dane thinks, If the dying are cognizant of the end when it comes, can they prevent it?  Or are they paralyzed?

His brother’s voice says something about their parents.  Dane cannot concentrate.  He tries to concentrate on concentrating.  He focuses on the dead fish.  He barks at the fish.  Nothing.  Dane pictures bananas.  He thinks yellllow.  He smells bleach and feels the fumes corroding his insides.  He feels is numbness everywhere.  He thinks he is standing awkwardly on his feet while holding the counter, like a chimpanzee.