Alexandra Seidel


Alexandra Seidel likes writing scary stories and poems. Incidentally, she also likes writing funny stories and poems; in the grander concept of things, that surely makes sense (she was born and grew up in a city that is home to a museum exploring sepulchral art and culture; surely that will do to explain something). Alexandra’s scary and/or funny writing has appeared or is forthcoming in 'Enchanted Conversation', 'Sybil's Garage', 'Star*Line' and other places that don't do mainstream; her mainstream stuff can be found in 'decomP', 'Word Riot', 'Monkeybicycle', yes, and others. Feel free to check out Alexandra’s blog at: **


Four Poems (July 20, 2010. Issue 19.)

The Four Seasons
(By an Anonymous Cynic)

slush of melting snow
Sunny weather
and then
unexpected snowfalls
or rain,
hail for an interlude.
Easter creeping up,
another holiday with the
People who don’t know
whether to dress for
winter or summer
and as a result
colds and flu,
Be on your guard,
it's spring.

Bee attacks
and sunburn.
Brain freeze.
Shockingly short nights
that are too hot
to sleep properly.
A wide variety
of hungry insects
that confuse human
with their natural
of summer.

Storms and hurricanes
and tornadoes and
Thunderstorms and lightning.
Things falling on
my freshly cleaned car.
Some holidays.
Leaves that keep falling
to get plastered down
on roads
to make them slippery.
No reason
to like fall.

Unexpected snowfalls.
Heavy snowfalls.
Just too much snow.
Temperatures that start
with ‘below’.
Underaged guerrillas
that attack with
frozen missiles.
Several layers of
clothing and still cold
outside, sweating
Holiday season with my folks,
Hardly any daylight,
always tired and
no chance
of hibernation.
Cursed be

Designing Restrooms

Men are Spartans in restrooms
bare necessities work just fine for them
toilet seats are wasteful
and soap is often just decoration,
mirrors just distraction
but cupholders work fine--especially for beer bottles
and you have both hands when you need them.
Use air freshener.

In the ladies’ room the ladies want to feel
like queens (although it's not exactly thrones they’re sitting on)
mirrors in abundance, fragrant soap and hand cream
is much appreciated too
paper tissues and good lighting are just as important
as a chair or two
also the ladies’ room should be rather spacious
for women
just like sheep or cattle
(or a pack of hyenas for that matter)
hardly come alone

--which reminds me
why not make it soundproof
so the guys next door will not be disturbed
while in reverent contemplation
of the deeper meaning of life
or what to do
about constipation.

The Epicurean

I had been hungry
for a long time
and so it was
that I ravished
all food
in the kitchen

At first
I had no favorites
but took everything
and put it in my mouth
to the individual taste

only after the first
hungry bites
did I regain a sense
for sweetness, sourness
for bitter tastes and salty ones
on from that point on

I chose
what I wanted to eat
and from there
it really was a small step
to start cooking
and combine one thing

with another
and cloud my arrangements
of foods in spices
so that vegetables
never knew about all the meat
and vice versa.

I made a point especially
of having four courses
at the very least
whenever I ate--for
in cooking I admired challenge,
in eating I loved diversity.


You are a bouncer with words
yesses and nos hitting me
in the gut
you never miss with your eloquence
like one of these Japanese cooks
who prepare fugu
with outlandish dexterity
so those who eat it
don’t get poisoned
only you
cut away all the parts
that wouldn’t poison
and serve me the deadly rest
all I can do is pick up my chopsticks
and eat