Dear Editors of the Wall Street Journal,
(May 20, 2010. Issue 17. Letter Poetry Contest 1st Place Winner!)
Last Wednesday, the you ran a headline, "At Long Last, Customizable Frappuccino". You, editors of the Journal, the self-proclaimed barometer of the business world, looked around and saw 10.4% unemployment, the Dow down 135 points, 17% of homeowners underwater, and thought, "at long last, customizable frappuccino". I have just one question for you:
Why must you taunt the lactose intolerant?
Isn't it enough to be denied Blizzards and Frostys without the morning paper flaunting that I can now "customize" my frappuccino? Isn't it enough to spend the entire month of march walking past a giant poster of a delighted Leprechaun enjoying his Shamrock Shake? I once asked for a milk-free accommodation, but my heart was broken when the puddle of thick green goo tasted like a cross between a fluoride treatment and a urinal cake.
What's worse, entire restaurants have sprung up to keep us out: The Country's Best Yogurt, The Cheesecake Factory, Krispy Kreme! And now, Wall Street Journal, you make it clear that big business is clearly on the side of those who can easily digest dairy.
Government is in on it too. Who ever saw a cow carved out of margarine at the county fair?
Remember those kids who wanted "more Ovaltine, please"? They knew that shit tastes like nursing home, they just wanted to fit in with their real chocolate milk drinking friends instead of being taunted with shouts of "lactard"!
The scourge of lactose intolerance, though, affects far more than its sufferers. A lost child depicted on the side of a milk carton better hope I am not the one who spots her in public! And without milk, how can you even pretend that Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Cereal has any sort of nutritional value? Without the beauty of milky colors swirling around Fruity Pebbles, would the world have ever known Jackson Pollack?
Getting past the headline, let me just take a minute to mention what was lacking in the original article: tell me, Wall Street Journal, just how do you customize a frappuccino anyway? Do you have it hand-detailed and install slick rims? A hydraulic sound system? How about my boyfriend's name airbrushed on the side? And most importantly, could I order one made with soy milk?