Farida Samerkhanova lives in Toronto, Ontario. "My native language is Tatarian, my second language is Russian and English is my third, which has become my passion. I am the head of a big family; four generations reside under one roof in South West of Toronto. I fight with every day routine, play chess, collect coins and skate. My letters to the editor appeared in the magazines Elle Canada, Canadian Stories and Canadian Immigrant. During the years 2007-2009 my poems, short stories and essays were published by Canadian Stories; Inscribed~A Magazine for Writers; The Maynard; Ygdrasil, A Journal of the Poetic Arts; blueskiespoetry.ca, Danse Macabre (including Totentanze, All Saints’ Evening and Weihnachtsmarkt issues), Seeding the Snow (The illustration is also my credit), The Write Place at the Write Time, Calliope (Issue #125 – Fall 2009), Word Salad Poetry Magazine, Tower Poetry and Of(f)Course – A Literary Journal. Some of my poems were included in The Maynard Anthology 2008 (Canada), the collection of poetry “Immortal Verses” (USA) and in “Favourite Memories” book of poetry (UK).

Single, Single (January 20, 2010. Issue 13.)

I do not know why I was wearing a short skirt and nylons in such cold and windy weather. I was putting gas at Petro Canada. A man approached me at the pump. “Have we met before?” – He asked.

I said no. He began to talk. He said his father was half Italian, half French. His mother was half Finnish, half Swedish. His parents were still together, but their marriage had always been rocky. He looked neat, clean and attractive. He had a nice face and a friendly smile.

We exchanged our business cards. In a couple of minutes he called me. He said that after I left the gas station, he realized that his car was parked at a wrong pump. He was so much distracted with my presence that he took the wrong aisle.

The next day he left a message. He asked me if I was available for a drink. He said the next day we could meet after his lecture at the University.

Then he chucked and continued: “And also I will just tell you: a very interesting thing happened to me last night. That was something that did not happen to me for a long time. I had a dream about you. What I mean that has not happened for a long time…I do not usually… I cannot recall having a dream of somebody I have just met.

It was a kind of weird, a kind of different segments. One was a kind of weird, like sitting in a plane and talking in an airplane and something. Another one was sitting at table somewhere. The other one was… a little bit more… X-rated. I do not know if you would like to ask me about it in your message if you are very curious or ask me when I meet you. I will go into details. Anyway, give me a call back.”

Was the message gross? I told my friend Helen about Steve. She said I should not fall for someone not eligible. I did not tell Helen anything about his X-rated dream.

I made a search in Google. His name was mentioned many, many times. I began to read the articles. Steve was described as a talented businessman with extensive knowledge and wide-ranging skill-set, developed during more than fifteen years. He made numerous professional presentations at scientific meetings and was the author of a number of publications. He was successfully engaged in various entrepreneurial enterprises. Outside his teaching practice he established a corporation and worked as a consultant to several projects. He had profound education, honors and recognition. In one of the articles he was called a "thought leader" in various aspects of modern pedagogical science. That was impressive. I went on reading.

And then I found disclosures, orders, decisions and records of the Discipline Committee hearings. Three years before Steve committed acts of professional misconduct. He demonstrated disgraceful, dishonorable or unprofessional behavior. He repeatedly behaved in an inappropriate and sexually suggestive manner to female staff, students and relatives of his students at the educational institutions where he was employed. The Committee revoked all his licenses. They described a number his sexual approaches to women in the previous four years.

Once he asked for a phone number from his student’s mother. She received a voicemail message from him. The message contained inappropriate suggestive comments. A staff member was asked on a number of occasions to meet him for coffee. The woman reported that she found those unwanted advances intimidating and that she took steps to avoid further contact with Steve. Another associate was approached in the coffee shop located near the school. He made inappropriate comments about her marriage. Shortly after returning to her desk, she received an e-mail from him, which included unwelcome advances to her. He stated that he was intrigued with her. She replied, advising she would like to keep the relationship on a professional level. He responded thanking her for her directness and confidentiality. He also made a number of sexual comments to a cleaning lady at the University. At one point, he briefly touched her in the area of the hips or thighs while she was cleaning a classroom windowsill. Many other similar incidents were mostly tiny and insignificant, but numerous.

The next morning Helen and me sat in her store chatting. We often met for coffee with cakes. Helen listened to Steve’s message. She said he was crazy. She asked how old he was. I said he was in his late thirties. I showed her his business. I left the store and forgot to take the business card. Anyway, I did not need it any more.

Steve called in the afternoon. I did not pick up the phone. When I called him back, I whispered: “Do not pick up the phone, do not pick up the phone”, and he did not. I left a message for him, saying that I could not make it today, that my ex-husband, who was still officially my husband, asked me to meet him, he had something very important and urgent for me, I had to meet him, I hoped for Steve’s understanding, I had a strong reason, I was sorry. I think I sounded natural.

I got two messages from Steve. Both were very long…

First message:

“Hi, dear. It’s Steve. It is about 3.30. I hope you are doing well.
As I said, I’ll be finished at 7 o’clock. So, I can meet you at about 7.05.
I’ll be probably OK till about 9.30. There is a place on Bloor Street on the North side. It is just, I think, to the East of Huron and Huron is just to the East of Spadina. So, it is either between Spadina and Huron or between Huron and Avenue Road. It’s on the North side and it’s an English pub and I forget the name of that. We could meet there.
Or if you want to meet somewhere else, you just call me and leave a message. As I have told you, I will be teaching between 5 and 7 p.m. Yes, that’s all.
Funny, because I wanted to ask you and … When we met…
I have this thing for bare legs and, yes, even in the winter when I know it is cold sometimes, I like bare legs. And you look fantastic. I did not know if you were wearing pantyhose or you were with bare legs... Some women wear skirts in the wintertime and just look sexy walking barelegged.
If you are that type of person, then that’s great. Anyway, it’s my little thing. If you haven’t yet realized, I am rather direct and straight-forward.
I left you a message about my dream I had. I didn’t hear from you afterwards.
I hope it wasn’t because you were put off by it. I would like to know if you are actually intrigued and stimulated by it. You know, when I communicate that way, that’s the person I am.
So, I hope to see you later. Bye.
Anyway, if you want to call me before 5, I’ll be in and out. After, between 5 and 7, you can leave me a message and I will get it right afterwards.
So, I hope to see you later. Bye.”

His next message was left after I called about canceling the meeting:

“Hi, dear. It’s Steve. OK, yes, I did get your message.
I didn’t even hear my phone ringing, it’s kind of strange. But anyway, thank you for calling me back.
Yes, I do completely understand. I am going through… I have been separated for a few years myself.
And we are going through the same process I think that you are. So, I understand.
I have kids, and they are living with my wife full time, but you know, I see them frequently.
It’s sometimes quite hard; I totally understand your situation, OK?
I look forward for getting together maybe even this weekend. On Saturday night or Sunday night, better on Sunday night, it maybe a possibility, you know, in the evening.
And by the way, you didn’t even… What I was saying…
I am so interested in the type of person you are. And I don’t know even if you got my message the other day about this dream that I had. I did not get very much into detail.
It was very unusual that I actually dreamed about somebody I had just met. Part of it was quite erotic and stimulating for me. I did not know how it is going to affect you.
I am somebody who is very affected by, you know, the way how somebody dresses. As you know, Canadian women look pretty much like Canadian men… You look amazing. Even if you were during the working day, you look very professional and very sexy. And so, I am very intrigued. I love a very sexy look, very revealing top, preferably with no bra, the mini skirt, maybe micro-mini skirt, bare legs for sure… because I hate pantyhose. I think there… I am a very touchy feely person, you know, I use my hands as a way of communicating, you know, when I am caressing your hair, your legs and your thighs, any of those things. I like legs and of course I like...
You are a very interesting person. I look very much forward to getting to know you at many different levels. Anyway, I look forward to your comments about what I am saying.
OK? Speak to you soon. Bye. By the way, I won’t be able to… I’d like you to leave me a message because I won’t be probably be able to answer the phone…I hope to get in touch with you soon. Bye.”

I could have told him what kind of person I was. I know that sometimes I could be as slut as him, but I could do that only with a person close to me, with a person I love, whom I trust and with whom I can share everything. Men would like to have sex with me. They do not even approach me because they know I am not available. Helen said if she were me, she would never answer the phone. She said we were to be strict and old-fashioned, as we had dignity. I said yes, because otherwise we would not respect ourselves.

… Few months passed since then. I was having coffee with one of my friends in one of the coffee shops in my area. It was summer. The day was bright and sunny. Everything around was full of life. People were dressed beautifully. Everyone around smiled.

All of a sudden I saw Steve and Helen passing by. I could see them through the window. They did not see me. They stopped at the entrance and he kissed her. It was a long kiss. He grabbed her butt with one hand and touched her neck with the other. They did not go in. All of a sudden it began raining. They took a taxi and were gone.

In November they got married. They are still married. They are happy and have kids. I am still single.