Three Poems (March 20, 2011. Issue 26. The SLAM & FLASH Issue!)
Battle Cry for the Skinny Fat Guy
Oh ye of skinny arms and skinny legs,
but protruding belly.
Lo, I sing to you of the skinny fat guy.
Oh ye paunchy brethren:
Know that when you order the extra cheese,
I am with you.
Know that your indulgences are not evil,
that you too are sexy.
Praise be to the women who have love for love handles.
Gaze! Gaze into my cheese gut!
Be not afraid!
Tis better to find joy in life, to love thy self,
than waste away spending hours at the gym.
To all the washboard abs of the world,
the shirtless sweat hogs:
I drum my belly in defiance,
and because I find it soothing.
I stand here before you
happy and unashamed to tell you
that while you are at the gym
I am at the bar, on the beach, at the poetry slam
talking to your girlfriend.
Being more emotionally available
then you will ever be.
We are the brave of belly fat,
the freemasons of food-babies,
the cuddling corpulent.
We are the Monday night midnight ice cream sandwich.
We are smarter than you, will love harder than you
because we had to work so much harder to get there.
Beware washboards!
Paunchy is coming out punching!
Nerd Love
Click here to listen!
I want a nerd girl.
I want glasses taped together at the middle love,
superhero on your t-shirt love.
I want messy, smelly, nervous, awkward flop sweat kind of love.
I want a girl who can dirty talk in Elvish.
I want a girl who when she angry screams Khaaaaan!
I want a girl who during an orgasm sometimes screams Khaaaan! (Giegatz)
The kind of girl who understands that role-playing
is something you do with cards and computer games
as well as in the bedroom.
You think you know kinky?
We’ll watch Blue Angel and Cosplay about it.
I want 12-sided die used as anal beads kind of love.
Okay... maybe that one’s a too much.
I want a girl who understands that comic reading time
and watching Battlestar Gallatica are things you do in silence.
Watching Holy Grail or The Big Lebowski
are things you do screaming at the screen.
A girl, who talks about her action figure
and vintage Star Wars memorabilia,
then stays up late to watch Adult Swim
while we cuddle on the couch.
I want a girl who will dress up like slave princess Leia for me.
A girl who measures the milestones in her life
According to episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
But nevermind Buffy, I want a Willow - Seasons 1-3 Willow,
if you get that reference, I will marry you, right now.
I want a nerd girl.
Wrap me in your geekiness,
Show me the depth of your awkwardness and insecurities.
We’ll dive in wholeheartedly, together.
When we climb back out
we’ll make a stop at the backs of my retinas
so you can see how beautiful you look through my eyes.
We will dance, even when we know people are laughing at us,
No, because we know people are laughing at us,
getting funky fresh with our spastic selves.
This is nerd love.
When they see our unabashed joy in who we are
and how strong we can be together.
They will be dumbstruck with fear when they realize
how hollow their own love is compared to ours.
We will show them, what real love looks like.
This is Not…
For we who are too nice, worry too much, over think things.
But also know too well what regret feels like
when it hits us in the chest.
Know the body does not lie, it betrays us,
this look in our eyes cannot be mistaken.
Tells us, this one, chase this one.
Even knowing this feeling could not possibly be love.
I am not a normal man.
We do not love like this.
Represent every contradiction of a definition placed on me as man.
Want to believe so desperately love is stronger,
cannot break so easily.
This is probably why it hurts so much when it does.
If this isn't it then what is? Does it exist?
Does it mean ours is a lie?
When the heart can no longer endure giving any more of its blood
and my eyes lose their strength to produce tears.
That sinking feeling that I cannot save anyone from themselves,
maybe I should stop trying
It is never enough.
This, this is not about you.
Though I might find my eyes lingering on you
it is not actually you I am looking at.
I am looking at my hopes written in the reflection of your irises.
This is not love.
This is how I hide.
A promise I cannot keep.
A commitment to an ideal you can not possibly live up to.
Sometimes I wish I could be the drunken mistake,
the one-night bad decision that lingers in a woman's heart for days.
Instead, I am the slow creep of an emotion
that makes women want to leave their boyfriends,
the one never considered until it is too late,
until we both become each other’s "one who got away."
I never asked for this, only wanted something uncomplicated.
Knew didn't want to go back to empty apartment,
didn't want to wake up alone, again.
Wanted to kiss you so badly, this is specifically why
I needed you to leave when you did.
I love you is the lie I tell myself
when I’m tired of looking for something better.
Tired, of always the second choice,
even though we both know I’m the better man,
the alternative, to what, exactly?
Repeat the words to myself
as if repeating them enough will make the feeling real.
This is how I’ve chosen to deal with this:
No more promises.
If this embrace is all we get then
let’s see if we can squeeze forever out of it.
When we let go there will still be a piece of it we can carry with us
in the left breast pocket of our heartstrings.
I am tired of pretending, and this is not...
Table of Contents
Three Poems (February 20, 2009. Issue 14.)
40 Nerd Letters
(*after Jeanann Verlee’s “40 Love Letters”)
Dear Boba Fett,
I still think of you.
Dear Heroes,
When your second season sucked, I walked away.
Haven't looked back.
Dear Hermione,
You're just too young.
Dear Shatner,
I said horrible things about you. Your hair is fine.
It's your acting I can't stand.
Dear Zelda,
Thank you for the fun times, for every thumb blister.
Dear Willow,
I love you, simple.
But only seasons 1-3.
Dear Jar Jar,
The nightmares stopped eventually.
Dear Dude,
There will never be enough White Russians for me to just abide.
Dear Rob Liefield,
I did read your comics. All of them.
Dear Donkey Kong,
I will never stop looking up for barrels ready to run.
Dear Daredevil,
I'll always love you. You are all there ever was.
Dear Michael Bay,
It was no one movie. Your everything is impossible.
Dear Xander,
We are mirrored nerds, we will battle this to the end.
Dear Boba,
I still think of you.
Dear Lexx,
I love you, simple, discovering you on late night sci-fi channel
was a delicious accident.
Dear Green Lantern,
Your power ring came too late.
I was already in the other room with Daredevil.
Dear Smallville,
No.
Dear Attack of the Clones,
I thought you'd be too shitty, they said go anyway.
They are fools.
Dear Eliza Dushku,
You are the definition of unrequited.
Dear Mark Hamill,
I'm sorry about the whiskey and the tampon.
I'm sorry I can't stop calling you.
Dear Monty Python,
As soon as you made me smile I was yours.
Dear Preacher,
I liked the book too much. Is the movie still happening?
Dear Batman and Robin,
You were my biggest mistake.
I'm sure that makes the DVD sales all the more sinister.
Dear 7 of 9,
As you spouted Borg rhetoric I imagined you and me in Pan Far.
Dear Karen,
I'd of swallowed that billy-club,
just like I did the betrayal in "Born Again."
I still think of you as Miller's.
Dear Peter,
They say a man never forgets his first redhead,
how easily time flies.
Dear Boba,
I still think of you.
Dear Veronica Mars,
I'd of broken you in half.
Dear Neal Patrick Harris,
I'm sorry I stalked you. I'd try to forget me too.
Dear Transformers,
I can't be with you again just accept it.
Dear Dr. Who,
No. I can't watch you die, again.
Dear Joss,
I wrote a poem about you. No one really read it.
I think it’s stupid.
Dear Life-size Darth Vader Statue,
I finally stopped wanting you.
Dear Last Dragon,
I was drunk. Um... actually that's it.
Dear Des,
Maybe it was the Superman t-shirt
or the fact you were awkward too.
You were the first time I learned
nerd fantasy girls can come to life.
Maybe you're still a nerd. Call me.
Dear nerd girl at Nationals,
I was your biggest mistake.
Dear Terry Moore,
You are more than Strangers in Paradise,
more than I could ever put in a poem.
Dear Boba,
I still think of you
Dear Boba,
I keep pictures of your first action figure in a box.
Each one in its original package.
We Miss You Haiku
We wish you were here,
we will yell it from rooftops,
goddamn, we miss you.
Nice Guy
This is a public service announcement
for all the nice guys out there,
to dispel a widely held myth.
Ladies: Nice guys also want to have sex with you.
We’re just nicer about it Table of Contents |