Jeremy Grace grew up in Dublin, California. He now lives, writes, and studies in San Francisco. He has had three previous publications with the University of San Francisco, including two in their literary magazine *The Ignatian.*
Trifecta (August 20, 2010. Issue 20.)
The trifecta. We saw it in our grasps, and we went for it without a second thought. As far as high school memories go it was up there. Up there with the time Steven Kettle flooded the school quad, or the time Steven Kettle stole the sophomores’ homecoming float. Those were great pranks, I mean Steven Kettle is now in juvie, but the pranks were brilliant nonetheless. The prank I want to tell may not be as impressive as flooding a quad, but it is interesting. One night, four guys—Jason Montgomery, Alex Jones, Phillip Sanchez, and myself—went to teepee three cars belonging to some of the most despicable girls we’d ever met. Now we used to be pretty good friends with these girls at one point, we all played in the school band, Friday nights we’d all go to the movies, and in fact, Alex even dated one of the girls—Amy. Actually, now that I think of it Amy also dated Jason at one point…and Phillip at the same time. Well…I guess you could say Amy was somewhat of a slut. Anyways, the point is at one time we were all very close, but by a year later none of us hung out. The girls quit band all together, started drinking, going out every night, and every week us boys would hear the latest rumor. How Terri started smoking pot, how Amy passed out at this house or that one. Or how Tara, drunker than ever, told Brad Williams that she wanted him to be her first, so he took her to the upstairs bathroom, in God only knows what house, laid her down in the bathtub and popped her cherry right then and there. He said it was “more efficient” that way. He said he “didn’t want to create a mess.” So there everything went. Right down the drain. We were all disgusted when we heard that one; I mean these girls used to be our friends. And the worst part? They didn’t care at all; they stopped talking to us like we were the ones doing things our parents would never approve of. They did whatever they wanted. So that’s why we decided to pull the trifecta, tag all their cars all in one night, show them how we felt, we planned it for a week, and then finally Thanksgiving weekend us boys hit the road with an arsenal of toilet paper, saran wrap, and my personal favorite—window chalk.
The evening started around ten-thirty after we got all the necessary supplies from our homes, plus some extra stuff from the 7-11. The clerk we 
bought the window chalk from knew exactly what we were planning. I could tell by the way she was staring at us. She had a look that said ‘Alright boys, I don’t want to end up on the evening news for selling this to you.’ I knew that’s what she was thinking because she said a second later, “Alright boys, I don’t want to end up on the evening news for selling this to you.” Jason tried to come up with a cover for us and told her, “Oh, no…you’re fine, we’re actually using this chalk to write on some friends’ car. We have a big soccer game coming up.”
“Oh you play soccer? For the high school?” The clerk asked.
“Yup, we’re all big soccer fans. Can’t get enough of it.”
“I thought the soccer season is in the spring?”
“Uh…it is.” It was such a rookie vandalism error it would have made you cringe. In fact, it still makes me cringe. Fortunately I came to the rescue.
“Yeah, but we play with a club team during our off season. You know, to stay in shape,” I said to save the situation. Jason was later chewed out thoroughly by all of us for that mistake.
Now those of you who have never partaken in vandalism probably wouldn’t understand, but there is a wonderful surge of energy that you receive whenever you about to do something you know is illegal. Call it adrenaline, anticipation, suspense, whatever you want, just know its pure magic. Anyways, you can imagine the buzz kill we all felt then when we didn’t see Terri’s station wagon outside her house. Sure enough, Amy and Tara’s cars were missing as well.
“What the fuck? Where the hell are they?” Phillip asked in anger.
“They’re probably at Justin Inge’s party,” said Jason with what seemed to be the answer.
“What? A party without out us?”
“Why? Since when have you been getting invites to places Phil?”
“I was obviously being sarcastic Jason, jeez.”
So we did what any other group of teenage boys on a Saturday night would not do—we waited. Waited quite a while for those cars actually. To kill time we drove to the AMPM for some twinkies, then Jason was craving McDonalds so we stopped there, then Dairy Queen for some sundaes. We were on our way to KFC at Phillip’s request when we decided Terri had to be home by now, and we were correct. Parked right outside the house was her car, all ready for the taking.
We started towards it with a slow walk, checking any houses with lights still on—an important step to remember, always look out for any moms up with newborn babies—they’ll be the first to make a call to the police, I know because that’s how Jason got caught once tagging Noel Gomez’s car. I think it’s the protective mother instinct. Of course, four guys dressed in black from head to toe at one thirty in the morning will make anyone suspicious. It’s always important to start out walking towards the car so that nothing looks suspicious, then once you’re about a hundred feet away from the vehicle you can start to turn that walk into a light jog. As you really start to get closer though, make sure you crouch so that you can’t be seen as huddling over the car. (That’s never a good look for a vandal to be caught in.) Once the perimeter had been checked, everything started like clockwork. Alex slid under the car, and Jason started feeding the saran wrap to him so that the two of them made circles covering all four doors. Phillip worked with the toilet paper, doing his usual zig zag pattern over the hood, while I started with the window chalk.
“Remember,” Phillip whispered, “Wipe off the windows before you start, otherwise if there’s dew the chalk could run and get on the paint. And then that shit’s permanent. We don’t want to leave anything permanent.”
“Yeah, yeah I know,” I whispered.
Now for my window chalk designs I like to keep it simple and just blot out the entire window. You can try to write something if you want, but make sure it’s something that won’t give away your identity. If you’re looking to make something obscene I would suggest drawing a large penis on the windshield. The penis is a vandalism art that has never gone out of style. You don’t believe me? Go to any men’s public restroom and you’ll get what I’m saying. The last step is even more simple—run. You’ve done your job; now get the hell out of there. Which is exactly what we did.
Next up was Amy. Her car was right in front, but we still played it safe, Amy has a huge window in front of her house that pretty much lets her see the entire street. We were about thirty yards away when we heard a big “creek.” Amy also has a large wooden double door and thank God for it, because we hightailed it back to our car as soon as it opened.
“Shit.”
“Well what do we do now?”
“Call it off?”
“No, no…we’ll just have to wait. She’s probably just getting something from the car.”
But a minute later we could see she wasn’t getting anything from the car, instead she was driving right past without even noticing us.
“What should we do,” said Alex at the wheel.
“Follow her!”
“Follow Her? I can’t—”
“She’s getting away.”
“Oh God,” and with a gulp Alex started the car and we had become engaged in our very first car chase. I will admit looking back on it now we probably got a little carried away. I mean, tagging a car is one thing, following a car is a little more oh…I’ll say stalkerish. But that’s exactly what we did that night at 2:27 in the morning. I must say Alex was a saint considering all the yells of “Go,” “Don’t get too close,” and “You’re losing her” we threw at him. Finally we agreed on staying about two cars behind, an estimate determined by watching a lifetime of James Bond car chases.
“Where is she going? Safeway?” Asked Alex.
“Yeah, Alex, pull in the parking lot,” Jason said.
“What does she need at 2:30?”
“Tampons?”
“No, no, I think that guy….you know…Charlie or something works here.”
“Who the hell is Charlie?”
“I think he’s her most recent dude.”
“How do you know about this?”
“Come on. It’s Amy. Even when you don’t want to hear about her, you hear about her.”
“That’s it,” Phillip announced all of a sudden, “I’m going in.”
“Going in, what the hell are you going in for?” Jason responded, completely confused.
“Phillip! Get back in the car,” Alex demanded, “What are you doing?”
“What do we do?”
“Forget this, Phillip’s gone awol, I’m getting us out of here, it’s too risky.”
So we drove to the bank parking lot two blocks away. I wasn’t really surprised with Phillip jumping out, he’s the first to get carried away with any activity. When we first told him about this plan, he bought a ski mask for the occasion.
“What should we do now?”
“Damn….I knew Phillip would do something stupid.”
“Hey wait! He’s trying to call me.”
“Put him on speakerphone Jason.”
“Phillip?”
“The bear has left the cave,” Phillip whispered.
“Phillip, what the hell are you talking about? You don’t even—”
“Shhh—keep it down, speak softly like I’m doing. I’m crowded behind the watermelon stand, and the bear is at checkout line number three talking to some guy.”
“Why are you using code…and why did you make Amy a bear?”
“Oh! I think she’s spotted me. Abort! Abort!”
“Phillip? Phillip?”
“Alex, you better drive over there because I’m picturing a very scared and confused Phillip running out of Safeway right now.”
Jason’s prediction was exactly right, Phillip dove head first into the back seat of the car and we drove off as fast as we could out of the parking lot.
“Did she see you?” Alex questioned Phillip.
“I don’t know. I got real close to her though. Practically right next to her.”
“Why in God—”
“Look, there she is,” interrupted Jason.
The truth was she hadn’t noticed Phillip in the slightest, and just like that she was back in her car and our chase was back on. After a while we couldn’t help but grin, you see we started to know where Amy’s car was headed. The one place that guaranteed we would be able to end this night sooner than we had expected—Tara’s house.
“This is brilliant,” Phillip let out, “Amy must be spending the night at Tara’s house. It’s like they want us to get their cars. We must be the luckiest sons of bitches ever. They didn’t notice us at all tonight. Two in one.”
So we went through the routine—saran wrap, toilet paper, and window chalk on Tara’s car. We were onto Amy’s when I started thinking about what Alex said. I thought how amazing it was Amy never saw us at her house, or following her on the road, she didn’t even notice Phillip right next to her. “What luck,” I said. And then I paused from writing on the window. I started thinking how hard we worked, how hard it was planning this whole operation. I went over how Amy didn’t notice us at her house, or when she drove past…or even when we were following her.
“Phillip,” I whispered, “hey Phil.”
“What?”
“How close did you say you got to Amy?”
“I already told you dude. I was pretty much right next her.”
“And she didn’t notice you?”
“Not at all.”
“What…luck,” I said again. I turned back to chalking the window, and then something unplanned happened. Somehow my hand got into my pocket and somehow I took my keys and “screeeeech.” Somehow I keyed Amy’s car. A light went on in Tara’s house, and the guys gave a quick “what the fuck look” as we all booked it to the car. As soon as we were inside the car I was bombarded with “what were you thinking” and “what the hell man,” but I didn’t care. I told them that, after a minute of hearing their screams I shouted, “Shut up, shut up. They didn’t see the car and they didn’t see us so we’re good okay! Nothing’s going to happen, it didn’t make a difference. So shut the hell up.” And I was right, it didn’t matter. Amy didn’t know who did it, she got a new coat of paint and everything stayed the same. Sometimes I still think of that night, before I go to sleep. I think about seeing that light turn on and feeling like the rules didn’t apply.
Esrevitlum Eht Liah Lla (July 20, 2010. Issue 19.)
(First Publication: The Ignatian, May 2010.)
Professor Hammerwick saw himself on July 21, 2014. Not in a mirror or some other type of reflection—but his actual self walking up the driveway to his house. More amazingly, he was doing it without a cane. Professor Hammerwick slowly got up from his seat in the kitchen, and opened the front door for the unknown doppelganger.
“You don’t seem as surprised as I thought you would,” said the double.
“That’s because I’ve been waiting for this to happen a long time. In fact you’re about a decade later than I imagined you would be,” replied the Professor.
“It’s funny I had this whole speech already planned in my head. I would say, ‘Do not fear Mr. Hammerwick, for I am both the closest to and farthest thing from what you are.’ I’ve had to say it with many of your others. ”
“What did all the other Hammerwicks do?”
“Their responses varied. In the worst cases I’ve seen two heart attacks, five faints, one hundred and seventy-eight told me to get out, and eighty-five attempted to shoot me with that pistol you keep in the fourth drawer of the kitchen cabinet next to your phonebook.”
“Really? All keep a pistol in their fourth drawer?”
“More or less, yes, they do, some a drawer above, some a drawer below. The average has been the fourth drawer so I always start my guesses with that one.”
“And how many of us have you visited so far?”
“You are my 111, 262 Hammerwick.”
“111,262? How many do you plan to visit, I shouldn’t have to tell you, doppelganger Hammerwick, that the number will turn out to be infinite.”
“Indeed, I am aware, and as I speak my presence in your universe alone has created four new ones. No, I am only visiting the Hammerwicks who most likely will never experience a parallel universe.
“Oh.”
“I want to let all my many counterparts experience such an amazing process of physics.
Although the number of you is infinitely growing, when I first started on my research there were 201, 573 of you approximately.”
“I see.”
“Because of me, you will experience your life long dream. You seem melancholy though, is it due to the fact that you yourself will never make this discovery and I am the Hammerwick who did?”
“Well…yes, in fact, you are very correct. I think—”
“Many of the Hammerwicks I’ve encountered have shared this emotion.”
“Really?”
“Yes, we don’t have time to analyze emotion though; just take comfort in knowing that at one point our universes were one in the same.”
Professor Hammerwick then offered the double some tea, the double responded politely, “Yes that would be delightful, thank you.” As they sipped, the professor asked about the alternate universes the double had seen. The double told him that in 22,378 of the universes he had visited Professor Hammerwick was a woman. In 5,490 he was dead. There were 3,702 where Professor Hammerwick was not a professor at all, and 83 where he is a homeless man living in Queens, New York, convinced that Chinese soup kitchen workers are actually droids from the Stars Wars movies. He then explained the rules—Professor Hammerwick would have exactly one hour or five universes, whichever came first, after that point the doppelganger would have to move on to the next Hammerwick.
“Your time starts now.”
“Oh, well, I would like to see your universe if that’s possible. I want to see why it is that you were the first Hammerwick to break into another universe.”
“Very well, you will see.”
At that moment the doppelganger held out a small blue ball that multiplied into three, then seven, then eleven blue balls which started to whirl around the two of them till something of a violet light transported them to the new universe. “I’m surprised,” said Professor Hammerwick, “I assumed all chrome skyscrapers.” The land looked pretty much the same, same blue sky, same houses, same grass, if anything there were more trees.
The doppelganger chuckled, “Yes I get that a lot; I think it stems from all the movies your universe watches on futuristic societies. Make no mistake though; we are a more advanced society.”
“So can you tell me how this universe became so more advanced?”
“Gladly, do you know the history of your universe?”
“Uh, I suppose I do know most—”
“Then you know that the early civilizations of your earth generally used religion to answer the questions it had about the world. Our universe did not start out with any major religion; instead our early societies pursued knowledge through science. Your universe was late to catch on to this trend.”
“So there is no such thing as a God in your universe?”
“I didn’t say that, I said science came first for my universe. Religions have just started to form. Our universes are a complete opposite in this aspect.”
“So there is a God?”
“I didn’t say that either, personally I don’t believe so, but there are those who flock to people that claim to be prophets and saviors. I am 95 percent confident I can disprove between 92% and 97% of all religions, but it isn’t worth the effort. New ones would form anyways. Thus, it is inevitable. Now I should warn you your time is dwindling.”
“Oh, well I’m done with this universe anyways; it’s not like what I imagined.”
“Yes I get that reaction a lot, where would you like to go?”
“I’d like to see a universe where man is not the dominant species. I like to see how that world would be different.”
“Ah, I too find this intriguing as well; I’ll take you to one of these universes I’ve watched develop for quite some time now.”
The balls wheeled around and left Professor Hammerwick at the top of a grassy slope overlooking a city of skyscrapers. A loud boom rang in the distance.
“Was that thunder,” asked Professor Hammerwick.
“A gunshot more likely, this is actually a pretty bad area of the city, but it also presents the best views. I thought this would please you, it fits the description of that futuristic city you were asking about earlier.”
“Yes but I thought we were going to visit a universe without human dominion.”
“This is a world without human dominion. The dominant species in this universe is vulpes vulpes, or its more common name, the red fox.”
“This world is ran by foxes? What about the gunshots?”
“Oh make no mistake it took them a while to learn how to make a gun they can fire, it’s pretty difficult when you don’t have opposable thumbs you know, but over time they finally developed a weapon that works with their paws.”
“So the skyscrapers? They built those too?”
“Yes, all of them. Well wolves, helped as well. As much as the foxes hate to admit it. You see wolves are treated as second class citizens in this vulpes vulpes ran world.”
“You know, I thought maybe a society ran by another species might be a little more peaceful”
“Ha, no you’d be incorrect, in fact most universes ran by other species are some of the most vicious I’ve ever seen. The one ran by dolphins is especially cruel.”
“Wow.”
“But I can take you to the most peaceful universe I have come across.”
“Yes I’d like to see it.”
“Very well, it is actually quite close to your own.”
This time they ended up in a snow pile outside what looked to be a mansion. Whatever building it was, it had been enclosed by a large iron gate engraved with tiny swastikas.
“What is this place?” Asked Professor Hammerwick.
“Berlin, 2014, outside the home of Adolf Hitler III. It’s quite fascinating, this is the universe you were close to having, the event of Oppenheimer selling his research to the Germans spawned this one.”
“Oppenheimer never gave his research to the Germans.”
“In this universe he did.”
“And this created peace?”
“Oh not at all, in fact the continent of Africa and most of Northern America is completely annihilated. But by this time it has become the most peaceful planet, no one dares challenge their government.”
“So there were still thousands of deaths?”
“Billions.”
The doppelganger Hammerwick could sense something was wrong; most of the Hammerwicks he showed this universe to were fascinated. To break what was becoming an awkward silence he abruptly stated, “Why don’t I take you to another intriguing universe. I think you will like it, being a physicist, in this next universe the multiverse itself is seen as a God.”
“Sure.”
Hammerwick woke up from the next swirl to a sign: ERSEVITLUM EHT LIAH LLA.
“Ah yes, I forgot about these signs. Look at the language of this universe, it is rather odd,” said the double.
“No it’s not.”
“Well now, Professor Hammerwick I know it looks similar but I can assure you it’s different in many ways.”
“Well to be honest with you, I don’t see much difference at all. You can lecture me all night, but no matter if those letters are backwards or forwards or upside down, they’re still the same letters through and through, just rearranged.”
“Indeed but you haven’t heard how it’s spoken, it sounds much different than your language.”
“I’m sure it is.”
“Oh, most definitely—”
“Excuse me doppelganger, sorry to interrupt, but it’s time I went home.”
“Why Professor Hammerwick, you know you still have time for one more universe.”
“Yes but I think I’ve seen enough of it, I’m ready to turn in. Thank you.”
With a shrug from the doppelganger and one last whoosh of violet and blue, Professor Hammerwick landed back in July 21, 2014. A week later he shot himself with that pistol kept in the fourth drawer of his kitchen cabinet next to the phonebook. This set of actions approximately spawned four parallel universes.