Kirsty Logan is sorry to say that this poem is a true story. Find her online at kirstylogan.com.

Dear Guy Who Scribbled All Over His Questionnaire, Put His Religion As 'Jedi', And Asked Why The Police Aren't Investigating Supernatural Crimes

(May 20, 2010. Issue 17. Letter Poetry Contest Honorable Mention!)

Oh, you rebel. You beautiful,
crazy rebel. Let's move to a cabin
in the woods and make
sweet love all day.

This may come as a surprise, but
a machine did not process your questionnaire.
I did.
I admit that typing up questionnaires wasn't my first choice of career,
but in these economic times it's important
to do whatever I can to keep my girlfriend
stocked up with hair wax and my hamster
with deluxe seeded chews.

Because I'm not a machine I noticed
the biscuit crumbs stuck to the front page
of your questionnaire. I also noticed
that you are aged 18-24,
single,
unemployed,
and live with your parents
in a tiny village in the arse-end of the Scottish Highlands.

I may be a wage-slave
who ticks boxes for £10 an hour
but at least I didn't take the time to fill in a questionnaire
with 'hilarious' fake answers,
put it in the pre-paid envelope,
walk to the post box,
and then go home and giggle to myself
over my own genius.

Yours,
a woman,
not a machine.