Laura E. Towne  uses her unusual and often hilarious experiences to create believable characters in the drama called real life.  Laura is an active member of NC Writers Network, and co-host’s the Cellar 101 Open Mike readings. She is a 2008 winner of the ten minute play festival, her work has appeared in Main Street Rag and Midwest Literary Review. She lives in Fuquay-Varina, NC, with her highly intelligent mixed-breed dog, and her ADHD afflicted cat. 

Man's Man (March 20, 2011. Issue 26. The SLAM & FLASH Issue!)

One of the things I like about internet dating is that sometimes you don’t even have to go out for entertainment. Sometimes just an email exchange can be enough. You meet some great people online, I mean exceptional people, I mean, really special. This is an example.

Message from Man’s man:

You seem exceptional.

Now this is nice, this is a very good opening line. You seem exceptional. This made me want to know what he thought in my profile was exceptional, or even what he thought exceptional meant, so I looked it up. Definition: An exception, uncommon, well above average. Like I said, a very good opening line.

The next sentence was: are you ready to handle a man’s man? Hmmm, now we’re back to definitions and what exactly is a man’s man and then why would I want to fondle I mean handle him? I wrote back.

Message from seemingly exceptional:

Please give definition of a man's man? I'm so hoping it's not a man, other men find attractive, or a man who belongs to another man, or that euphemism for a large burly guy who determines his self-worth by adulation from other men. If none of these are true, please respond, I would be interested in ahem…..handling you.

The response took a couple of days—I figured he was thinking, you know, formulating a clever and witty reply.

Message from Man’s man to Seemly:

a man's man is a guy who leads men....makes men tougher, who stands out in a crowd. Is admired by men and women alike.

Apparently the word sarcasm is not in the manly dictionary.

This dead-end conversation made me think of other friend I met online—the two guys were similar in personality and thought they’d get along very well. My other friends name was Mr. Longcock and while I thought it was a ridiculous name, he was quite proud of his originality as well as his endowment which I determined through his profile and subsequent emails, was the only thing remotely exceptional about him.

But my imagination took flight and I wondered what it would be like if I set up a meeting between the two.

I can see it now, it would happen in that most romantic of meeting places, Applebees in Fuquay Varina, and Man’s man would arrive looking very, well, manly, a cross between Paul Bunyan and James Bond. He’d be wearing a red plaid shirt under his tuxedo jacket, and carrying paul bunyan’s signature ax that if he pressed a button on the handle it transformed into a secret weapon—a twenty yr old british girl who follows him around saying awesome all the time. Her name is Ego boost.

Man’s Man stands at the front, scanning the restaurant for his date, he looks confused. He doesn’t see her. He sees an elderly couple, a few kids, a few families and in the far booth a single guy with the Applebee’s drink menu tented over his lap, because the waitress had hissed at him, “Sir, hide the monster, this is a family restaurant.

Man’s man approaches the man with the strategically placed menu and says:

“Excuse me but have you seen a woman, rather vague looking and in need of a man’s man?”

Tent guy looks up and says, “No, but I’ve been waiting a while for a woman who talks a lot and is in dire need of a good….” He lifts the menu off his lap and looks down. “Well, in need of me, actually.”

“Wait?” Man’s Man looks at him, in the face this time. “You’re Longcock?”

“Why, yes. Man’s Man?”

“Yep, that’s me”

“Well, sit down,” he says jovially, “nice plaid by the way.”

“Thank you.” Man’s Man beams and sits across from him.

Mr. Longcock orders drinks—a salty dog for him and whiskey and rye for his new friend—and then says, “Don’t think our lady friend is going to show up.”

“Doesn’t look like it,” Man’s man replies.

“Too bad, she doesn’t know what she’s missing.”

“Well you know,” Man’s man replies, “she only seemed exceptional.”

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