My Issue (Issukkake) (March 20, 2011. Issue 26. The SLAM & FLASH Issue!)
I have an issue
A massive issue
It's the biggest issue that has ever existed
And I'm going to show it to you, whether you want to see it or not.
What do you think of that?
It's huge and heavy and you can't ignore my issue, can you?
I want, nay,
I need you to feel my issue
To get close to my issue
To touch my issue, gently at first,
So that I know you're serious about my issue.
But please, only study my issue from this side
Because from certain angles, my issue may seem misshapen and insignificant,
But I assure you,
My issue still deserves your undivided attention.
Many, many, many, many people have written poems
And songs and entire books about my issue,
But listen closely,
Because my issue has been skewed horribly on television.
Please identify with my issue in your own special way,
Because I am special!
And you are special!
And the world is special!
And my issue, especially, is special
And we can all benefit from the proper handling of it, so
Stroke my issue the same direction that she is stroking my issue,
To raise the consciousness of my issue
Because if you don't,
You'll just make my issue bigger and harder to swallow!
And you will swallow it!
One day everyone will swallow my issue
Because there is a movement, yeah,
A growing movement of people just like you
Getting on top of my issue
And trying desperately to get to the bottom of my issue
Bounce with my issue
Roll with my issue
Get crunk with my issue
But do not fuck with my issue!
Make love to my issue.
But if you don't join the movement and ride my issue
Into a sweet and beautiful flowery, orgasmic cultural utopia
Then I will beat you with my issue!
Feel my issue ramming repeatedly into your face!
Choke on my issue! Choke on it!
And then swallow the white hot anger that spurts forth from my issue
Drowning you and your miniscule opinions
And leaving a bad taste in your mouth.
Do you need a tissue?
Because I think my issue got into your eye
And you can't see clearly with my issue in your eye.