Omar Holmon

 

Omar Holmon Socially random with +33 charm points Omar "Ion" Holmon lives life like Doug Funnie and believes he'd be the only Jedi whose lightsaber would match his chuck taylors. When not imagining himself in anime fight scenes or working to make the world more abnormal he spends his time in slam poetry competitions and talking about his love for otters/pandas.

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Four Poems (February 20, 2009. Issue 14.)

Suicide Note From a Hello Kitty Doll

Dear little Charlotte,
if you are reading this note
sound out the letters

I want you to know
that me hanging myself is
pretty much your fault

I have never met
a more bratty 4 year old
in my fucking life

you have the aura of a brick
and your imaginary
tea parties suck ass

how you managed to
burn make believe tea and cake
is so beyond me

E-Z Bake Oven
is an atom bomb in your
Edward Scissor hands.

I wish your parents
loved you like that explorer
named Dora and sent

you to a jungle
with a bookbag filled with lots
of assorted meat.

I took my own life
before your cooking could
do the deed and P.S.

while you were asleep
I snacked on your gerbil's soul...
it tastes like mushu

Sincerely, Hello Kitty

Super Mario’s ten reasons why he is the greatest video game of all time

(after Adam Falkner’s 10 for T-Payne)

1
I was voted sexiest man alive in 1981….

2
I’m that full mustached mascot of procrastination
physician of joints for thumbs to read buttons like braille on the controller
I am that mushroom kingdom everyman in overalls and worker boots
immortalized on a video game cover mural

I jumped barrels for arcades with their future riding on a console
and watched gamers mesmerized by all 72 levels

3
When was the last time you played a game without a shortcut
Shit, look in any household, dude they are playing my game right now.
I bet that in some mom’s basement or college dorm

There is a heavy work load being forgotten by everyone
their palms sweaty from Mario Kart, only one lap from winning the race
till the crackle of lightning strikes down dicking everyone over.
They are inventing new words to curse at each other with in sign language.
Sounds good.

4
I knew how quickly we would get addicted to this shit,
call off weekend plans on Saturday nights for another go at Wii sports,
girlfriends pissed off at un-returned phone calls and a still empty bedside at 2am,
but I knew how quickly they would change their minds
when we came out with Wii fit knowing their hips were meant to excel
their own body’s console which is far more gorgeous then we.

5
When was the last time.... you played a game.......... without a shortcut?
I knew how hungry our imaginations are, right? To roam through Bowser’s castle,
to chase down invincible stars before the inevitable edge.

To ride a green Yoshi dinosaur looking thing and watch him
swallow whole mouthfuls of every koopa personified worry we ever had.
Breaking questioned marked mystery boxes like piñatas
hitting for fire flower and coin and coin and coin and 1-up and feather

And 6
because I’m ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffucking awesome.
Because the Brooklyn Bridge is a long ways from that Rainbow Road baby

7
Because this franchise right here………………is damn well perfect.

8
Because I know we were tired of the duck hunt.
Tired of recycle bin cartridge games freezing over time
Cleaning them with a alcohol tipped swab, swab, shake then blow, blow,
brains out the back of our heads waiting for a screen to show up
and press the mutha fucking start button

9
Because let's be honest, look at what I've done here,
I fired a blue shell hunting for first place and directed it upward into the revolution
of the most nerd heavy generation none of us had ever seen coming.

10
Because Donkey Kong said so
even he knew that the pipeline I was laying could only go up from here
even he could smell the gluttony howling in our bellies for more,
knew that you’d take this shit from a sexy ass plumber

and play your lives by the hour then day dream at your job
while typing, while faxing, while trying to unhinge yourself
from the 4 hours still left at work thinking about how
back home there is a princess that still needs saving.

An open Letter to Bob Barker from Price Is Right

(after Falu's "say")

*Dedicated to the baddest muther fucker to ever grace day time television

There is a game show in the belly of a man
19 emmys on display in ribcage
Imagined you in Florida retired
You’re Bengay soaked fingers soothing the eager still running in veins

We say smile….
hurry….
come back
You say… time…was over
You’re 15 minutes passed fame
But fondness still in the memories of everyone
Same show,
same channel

We say… we say… please Bob Barker
Greet us again,
neuter your pets,
dust off your blazer
Time… is still now…

Long time hosting…35 years
Say you’re 83
Say you still got it
Say if the contestants who were called by their names, would spin the wheel
And not that weak spin either
we talking bout both hands on top
Legs spread out
and arms pulling down
until you’re in a full squat
say we ain’t new to this!

Say-too long-
For too long we’ve been bored
of Drew Carrey
of his laugh!
of his douche bag face!
an how he even got the job in the first place!
Say we protest!
Say we write letters!
Say-we’d boycott the network until you returned
Said just for men hair color is useless
Say Bob, your hair is classic
Your role in Happy Gillmore… hilarious

Say what the ratings prove
That a real host can build a supportive fan base through each generation
Say Barker- you are a three layer cake of charm, awesome, and kick ass

say you a G
say you hard-bodied
say how the audience is so vast and your microphone is so thin
but if the contestants, who are called by their name, would spin the wheel
say you’ll spin that wheel.

Say you a true fan
Say you know the dining room set got to be around a thousand
Say they keep tryna make us bid higher
but say we’re right
say we’re so right
say we ready
say we going for the bonus prize
say we drop our plinko chip on the side
tell us what we won Johnny!

We call out from work sick
we raise our remotes
and turn to the price is right like a ritual
say we in High Definition now

Say we ain’t come to buy no vowels
Pat Sayjack don’t want it with Barker
say when the last time you ever seen someone bust they ass in excitement on jeopardy?
what is “Alex Trebek don’t want know trouble”
you mutha fuckas know you wanna
COME ON DOOOOOOWN!

we want what's ours
say we aint scared
say-we goin for whatever behind door number 3
say- they are still chanting his name
say Bob
say Bob
you legend
you legend
there is a game show in the belly of a man
but tell us that you think that we’re all still priceless...too

New Ways to Smile

Things I know about this girl,
she is cuter then a panda bear deciding which end of a bamboo stick to eat first
and moves like the martyr of a high school dance floor,
The first sacrifice of care free, blooming life from hips and hair

While the best of us fake inanimate cool because we’re still too afraid of our own bodies
plus, I think she’s single cause when the DJ said “all single ladies make some noise”
I specifically remember her… making noise

Now what follows is a list of things I’m trying to bring myself to tell her
but can’t, yet have no problem telling a room full of strangers. .

1
I don’t have a train of thought it’s more like thoughts running a train on random
I’m all quips and out of context statements, a nerd without a sound theory
but a strong hypothesis that you are scientific proof that there are still new ways to smile

2
My emotions can best be described
through obscure web comics and internet videos since pixels
capture in better quality what we can’t convey through words at the time

which now explains the youtube link I sent you
of two otters asleep holding hands drifting with the water current
it’s the way I say you got this nature that garners you in remarkable.

3
I’m going to need you to understand that if we see a superhero movie together
and it strays too far from the comic book it is my right as a fan to be upset
so if I’m like “why’d they kill Jazz in Transformers?
What even black robots die at the end of movies also?”

I need you to chime with an “I know right?
an what was with Christian Bale’s Batman voice?”
which in turn would lead us to discussing what he’d sound like
in the bat-mobile singing along to the radio

3a)(Batman Voice) “Hold on Rachel! ...Umbrella-ella-elaa-a”

4
This is could be classic like Boy Meets World, season 4 episode 17
Topanga Lawrence coming back 300 miles from
Pittsburg to Corey Matthews in Philadelphia

5
My mother has this barbwire in full bloom personality
I’m talking keyed a few cars in her day, unbreakable type status
But found her writhing on her back, like spiders before post mortem

eyes chasing constellations of voiceless echoes
her mind a two way mirror with the belief
that reality isn’t on the other side looking in.

When she got out the hospital I asked her if she saw Elvis
She still laughs at that, we all face our monsters differently
just because I smile while I do it doesn’t make me any less serious.

6
When my father was still the man he use to be
he’d drive 177 miles, 3 hours and 27 minutes to see my mother every weekend.

My sister found her husband 3,302 miles away in Singapore
While living in Tokyo, that’s a 55 hour drive
thru the Pacific Ocean floor or a 7hr plane ride…  

Destiny has a history of making my blood line run the distance
so even though your window is 537 miles 8 hours and 21 minutes that way,
I want to stand outside of it even though I don’t know which one it is,
with a boom box over my head singing,

“Straight up now tell me do you really want to love me forever? Oh. Oh. Oh.”
and you’d be all “What are you doing its 2 o clock in the morning?”
but I’d be like, “What? I can’t here you over the sound of all this awesome!”

7
Roy Sullivan was a park ranger
that got struck by lightning seven times and lived
The human body is a beautiful conductor, our words hydrogen bond

I held your hand, felt every electron coursing the current
on the life line in your palm and had a flash forward of us looking back
discussing when we first met to smaller four eyed fragments of ourselves.

This is complex simple science
but you are the most gorgeous social science
because I’ve been treating each text message as an updated data entry
and each phone conversation as research on what smiles sounds like