Robb Todd knows that a grizzly bear would whip a gorilla in a fight. Easily. No doubt about it. His typing has been or will be published in 3:AM, flashquake, Laura Hird Showcase, The Beat, Two With Water, Six Sentences, and Very Bad Poetry. Visit his Web site, http://www.robbtodd.com.

The P.T. Barnum Of Pussy Is Just Being Honest (March 26, 2009. New Moon. Issue 2)

Look, it did not happen like that at all. … No, man. … If I told you what really happened, you would never believe me, and I'm sure you couldn't appreciate the beauty of it. … What? Who told you that? … Figures. That guy is always running his mouth about shit he knows nothing about. Can I have one of those fries? … I don't care what he says. I was there. … Why would I lie? … No, that didn't happen either. … Fine, fine. I'll tell you, but you're not going to believe it. … So I met up with Tommy and we swung by to see Jake at the department store around lunchtime, so we could get the lowdown on the plans for the night. … Yeah, he still works in sporting goods. … Yeah, he can get you his discount. … Ten percent. Fuck, man, do you want to hear this story or not? … So we're all talking about what we're gonna do that night when this little old black lady comes up and says to Jake, "I got you something for Father's Day," and she tries to hand him five bucks. Tommy says, "Is this woman lost?" And she's like, "Boy, go on! If you don't shut up, Ima put something on you." So Jake says, "Hey there, Bernice. You're looking mighty fine this evening." … Yeah, he took the money, but only after she threatened to cry if he didn't. Apparently, she comes in to see him all the time, dressed like she's going to church. Jake said she even calls him at home. … Yeah, only Jake would give the digits to a ninety-year-old. She can barely stand up straight. So she says to Jake, "Baby, mmm-mmm-mmm. You're lookin' mighty fine, too. Mmm. When are you comin' over to my house? I'd make you feel good." This old lady is bonkers. She's all, "You wouldn't hurt me, would ya? Baby, your eyes are so perty. I just wanna sop you up with a biscuit." … I swear to god, man. Then she asks him, get this, "Is it bigger than an apple?" I don't even know what the fuck that means, but it sounds dirty. And Jake winks at us and goes, "Oh, it's bigger than an apple. Honestly." So she says, "Boy, I can handle anything you got!" … Dude, I swear! … No. It's bigger than an apple, but not by much, hahaha. … How do I know? Just wait. I'll get to that. … So she says, "Ima call you later, baby. Don't forget about me, you sweet thang." After she leaves, me and Tommy are just staring at each other, struck, wondering if we just saw the same thing or if we're in the fucking Twilight Zone. Then Jake says, "Man, I might have to hit that. Honestly." … Dude, I swear to god! Ask Tommy. … So I'm like, "Might? There ain't no might to it. You MUST hit that. Immediately. Before she dies." … Crazy? Why's that crazy? Man, if you tap something like that, who could ever top that story? … Bullshit! I don't care if you bang ten supermodels in your private jet on the way to your private island, that shit would take the fucking cake. … Hell yeah I think Jake would do it. This is the same guy who let a married woman work him over with a strap-on while her husband watched. And he brags about it. … Have you ever seen a dude who can pull such fine women yet slums so fucking much? He likes the low fruit, man. He's lazy. … He just loves scandal. Every time he puts on some freak show like he did with that old lady, he knows the rest of us will talk about it. He's like the P.T. Barnum of pussy. … Hell yeah he's still a chubby-chaser. He told me the other night, "I love the fatties, man. They let you degrade 'em." And I just stared at him and he went, "What, man? It's the truth." … I never understood his attraction to big girls before, either, but after what happened the other night I may have changed my view on that a little. … Look, man, everybody needs love, not just the pretty ones. … I'll get to that in a minute. … So Tommy and me go over to Jake's apartment and when we knock on the door, Kevin's already there. He says Jake is in his room with some chick and that's when we hear the moaning and the bed knocking against the wall like someone's trying to escape. … Maybe. I don't know. So we sit down and I play Sega with Kevin while we wait. … No way is Nintendo 64 better than Sega. You're nuts. … Anyway, we're playing the new Madden. … Of course I had the Lions. Barry Sanders cannot be stopped. Anyway, the moaning is getting pretty loud and I'm already up three TDs on Kevin … Yeah, he sucks. … Then, all of a sudden, Jake's bedroom door slams open, and this naked fat girl is running through the living room screaming. … Hell no she wasn't cute. Well, maybe her face was pretty but it was hard to tell. I didn't get a real good look because right behind her was Jake with his cock in his hand and he's chasing her, yelling, "I'm gonna git ya girl! I'm gonna git ya!" And he's beating it like he's gonna fire the thing off as soon as he gets in range. She runs through the kitchen then circles back into the bedroom and slams the door in his face. He's beating on the door with one hand and beating his dick with the other, screaming, "Don't be intimidated by the brutal force!" … I know, man, he's totally nuts. … She finally opens the door, and she's dressed. She walks up to him and she spits in his face and walks out. He fucking deserved it. But Jake just stands there, cock still in his hand, laughing. … Dude, I totally agree. But he's always been like that. So we're all like, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude? He says that he was about to come and she tells him not to put it in her face but he's like, "What, you want me to waste it?" and she's like, "Don't do it," and he's like "I'm gonna do it," and she's like, "Don't do it," and he's like, "Get ready for it!" That's when she busted outta the door. … Yeah, I asked him what happened to him as a child that warped his brain so bad. He was just like, "Dude, what can I say? I like 'em big. Fuck it!" … So Jake takes a shower and we hop in his piece of shit Tempo, on our way to G-Spot downtown. I can't believe that car still runs. … What's wrong with G-Spot? Look, just 'cause you never pull any ass in that club doesn't mean that there isn't any ass to be pulled. … Anyway, G-Spot is a haul from his place and we're on the highway doing about ninety and I have to piss real bad. It's not even that late, but Jake doesn't want to pull over, like we're in some big rush to get there. So I hold it. But by the time we get downtown, I gotta piss so bad I can taste it. … Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're a real comedian. Anyway, he tells me to stop acting like a 12-year-old girl, finishes his beer and hands me his empty bottle. … No, I'm riding shotgun. … So, I'm like, "What the hell do you want me to do with this? Oh, really? Look, just pull over at this gas station and stop being such a dick." But for whatever reason he won't stop. He's hunting for a parking space, and it's packed downtown. So I whip it out and put the bottle up to it, but you know my shit is so big that the tip can't even get into the neck even a little bit, so I'm just pressing the shit on there to keep it tight. The bottle is filling up with hot piss when Jake speeds around a corner and I almost lose my grip. "Dude, easy," I warn him. Then the fucker hits a speed bump. … Yep! My dick pops out and I spray him. … I swear to god! … Hell no I didn't do it on purpose. That's just Jake's karma, man. He musta done something to deserve that in a past life. Hell, he's done plenty in this life to deserve that. … So he's screaming, "Holy motherfucking shit!" and he swerves into oncoming traffic. We all think we're about to die as all these headlights and horns zoom past us, but somehow Jake rights the ship and pulls over in a gas station — with a rest room, I might add. So he's covered in my hot piss, and Tommy and Kevin musta shit their pants in the back seat, and I dropped the bottle of piss on the floorboard, and the whole fucking piece of shit he drives smells like your grandma's diaper. But I'm just happy to be alive. Jake is holding his hands in the air and says, "What the fuck am I gonna do now?" … We can't turn around and go back because it's too far. By the time we went back to his place and drove back, there wouldn't be any point. So he reaches in his glove compartment and pulls out a bottle of cologne he keeps in there for emergency pimp situations, and he just showers himself in it. I don't know what smells worse. We roll all the windows down, finally find a parking spot, and head to the club. Good thing for Jake that G-Spot is so smoky and smelly that nobody even notices that he smells like Dolce & Gabbana's dirty cat box. … No, Kevin isn't seeing Jill any more. You didn't hear about that? Oh, man, you'll love this. That bitch cheated on him. And guess what the dude's name was? … No, stupid. Guess again … Hahaha! Yep. She went up the hill with him and did the Hokey Pokey. Can you fucking believe that? Guess she has a nursery rhyme fetish. … So anyway, the four of us get inside G-Spot and the deejay is spinnin' "C'mon N' Ride The Train," and you know I love that song. We head straight for the dance floor, and it's just the four of us out there. … What's gay about that? Women do that shit all the time. … See that's the thing. It's precisely because men never do that that it makes such an impression on the ladies. It took maybe 30 seconds for some women to step on the floor, and the next thing I know we're all paired off. Jake is dancing with this little cutie and I'm with her friend, and even Tommy and Kevin have good lookin' girls. We get through like one song when Jake leans in and says to his girl, "Look, let's cut to the chase." I'm thinking, oh fuck, what is about to go down? The girl looks at him and he says, "I just wanna fuck." She's stunned. And so am I. She leaves and my girl goes with her and I'm like, "What the hell is wrong with you, Jake?" And he says, "Fuck it, man. I'm just being honest," and he walks off. Tommy and Kevin come over and I tell them what happened and they're shaking their heads and wondering what is wrong with this twisted bastard when guess what happens? … Just guess. … Nope. I feel this tap on my shoulder and that cute little girl who ran off is there. Apparently she went to get her purse because she says, "Where's Jake? I'm ready to go." I stood there, just amazed. I couldn't speak. … That shit actually worked. Un-fucking-believable. … Don't get any ideas, dude. That line would never work for you. … So I go hunting around that dark, dingy club for Jake, and when I find him he's in a dark corner with this whale of a woman. They're talking and I interrupt and say, "Look man, that other girl is looking for you. She's ready to go." And he leans back and says, "Naw, that's cool. I gots mines. Stop tryin' to shipwreck my boat!" And he puts his arm around this huge girl, busts out a huge smile — that kid has got some big teeth — and yells, "Mack kitten!" Whatever the fuck that means. … You're right about that, no doubt. … So I go back and tell the girl that he's over in the corner. I'm hoping he'll see her and come to his senses, but she goes over there and the next thing I know she's walking past me with her girlfriend, the one I was dancing with, and they leave. Somehow I get cock-blocked out of all this. … How long? Before that night it'd been a while. A couple weeks. … Well, that's long for me. … So I talk to a few girls but they're just not biting that hard that night and it's looking like I'm gonna go home empty handed. … Tommy broke outta there with Nancy. … Yeah, that Nancy. They're like each other's permanent back-up plan. So me and Kevin track Jake down, and now he's got two gigantic women on either side of him. … Do I look like I work at the county fair? … I don't know, man. … My best guess is that all three of them weighed a combined 700 pounds. Maybe 750. … Hell, I don't know, maybe more. You want a stuffed animal or something? … So Jake says, "Hey man, they want to go back to my place." And me and Kevin shake our heads. But he's like, "With ALL of us. They wanna have a five-some. Let's do dis!" Me and Kevin look at each other, and the fact that we're even contemplating it makes me nervous. And then all of a sudden, I don't know what it was, man, but it all just made sense, all of Jake's madness. … As crazy as it sounds, I knew that this opportunity would never again present itself again in this lifetime. … Well, that's the difference between me and you. I seize opportunities and you just sit around and listen to stories about the opportunities that other people seized. … Yeah, I was worried about us all fitting in Jake's piece of crap car, too, but we all climb in, Jake in the back sandwiched by those girls, Kevin's driving and I'm riding shotgun again, and it smells like grease, cigarettes, arm pits, and hot piss even with the windows rolled down doing ninety on the highway. … How did you guess? Yeah, it's been a week and Jake STILL hasn't washed that fucking car out. I mean, at least buy some little green pine trees for the rearview. He'd need a fucking forest full of 'em. … So we all get back to Jake's place and go into his bedroom and these chicks get right to it. They get us revved up and we all climb on the bed. I'm sure that the fucking thing is going to collapse under the weight. Must have been over a half-ton of fun on there. … No, dude, my dick has not fallen off. Just 'cause someone is fat doesn't mean they have a venereal disease. … So we're all going at it and it's a giant tangle of arms, sweat, legs, stink, rolls of fat, hair, and these four 10-gallon tits. Those girls were amazing. I've never seen anything like it. … Well, yeah, on VHS for sure. I meant in real life. They kept their mouths and hands and a few other parts busy at all times. … Why would you even need to ask me that? Me, Kevin and Jake managed to keep all our appendages to ourselves. … Yeah, I'm sure. … Anyway, me and Kevin finish our business and I'm walking out of the room to play some Madden when Jake says, "Naw, man. Stay and coach!" So I'm like fuck it, and I sit in a chair by the bed and talk shit while this two-headed, four-armed sex blob consumes him. … What do you mean, How can we treat women that way? You make it sound like we raped them or something. They got exactly what they wanted. … No, man, that's not egotistical. The whole thing was their idea to begin with. What's hard to understand about that? You think every woman wants to be treated like a lady? I guess you haven't figured out yet that some people like it down and dirty. … Don't ask me why, man. Do I look like Doctor Ruth? We all had a good time. Everyone. So I don't know why you have a problem with it, if they didn't. … Anyway, listen to this. Jake finally finishes and then it happens. … Oh, man. He starts kissing them. Both of them. Deep tongue kisses. … I was speechless, and I look at Kevin to see if he saw what I saw and he just stares at me with his jaw hanging. After the ladies left, me and Kevin turn to Jake, and Kevin says, "Dude, how'd it taste?" And Jake says, "How'd what taste?" And I say, "Jake, how'd our dicks taste, you idiot?" … Hahahahaha. Exactly! … It took a second for it to sink in but when it finally did, Jake runs to the bathroom, and I yell, "Sorry, man, just being honest!" … There is not enough mouthwash in the world to clean out that orifice. … But get this. As Jake is gargling gallons of Scope, the phone rings. I pick it up and this old lady says, "Hey, baby. I wanna sop you up. Is it bigger than an apple?"